I promised I’d share my struggle with inadequacy and here it is.You’re free to laugh at some of the stupid thoughts I had but most important share your views in the comment section because I believe they will encourage someone.If you’d also like me to share your story here request at the comment box.
Do you?
Since I was a child I suffered from low self esteem which I think stemmed from the fact that I came from a dysfunctional family.This made me think every kid was better off than me.I also had an abnormally large umbilical cord which I struggled to hide by slumping my shoulders(like a girl concealing her growing breasts) attributed to a condition called hernia.These feelings I carried into my preteen and teen years.
For as long as I can remember I was never enough.I was clumsy and thought I deserved nothing good.If you said I love you to me I’d flee like a big fire had just started! I never accepted good things and people because was I really lovable?I was never comfortable in my skin and actually thought I was the ugliest kid alive!Worse still every girl in my upper class was growing boobies and receiving menses and I had nothing on my chest let alone spotting.Talk of being demoralized. Was I good enough a woman?
When I was elected for leadership posts I thought they were just doing me favours because I wasn’t qualified.So and so would do better but since I have the post wherever that leads me I don’t care.Those not good enough thoughts made my relationship with God go south.I used to question Him a lot and at one point I felt I wasn’t worth living and attempted suicide twice.
I can tell you I felt I didn’t have a good body(I didn’t have that killer ass,my head I abit oval and a slump am going to live with).I wasn’t witty enough, I didn’t have enough opportunities. Wambui was inadequate even in the basic things.She wasn’t a good friend to people,not a people person enough……
This went on until the day I decided to pour out my heart to God and here are the best things He’s helped me to learn about being enough six years on….
1.Physically:Comfort in my skin
I prosper in Psalms 119:14,whether I have added weight or not,broken face or smooth,sick or healthy.For the works of God are wonderful! My friend once told me that am not defined by my body and that changed my life completely. In as much as outer beauty is glorified,accepting myself the way I am goes a long way to helping others accept me.
Accepting small beautiful things about my skin makes me thankful to God.He carefully set my ears on my head,accompanied them with almond shaped eyes,put a beautiful smile,long fingers and to seal the deal He added African legs(skwebes).Aren’t I a masterpiece?
2.Emotionally:Changing my mindset
God has continually moulded my mind to think on good things see Phil 4:8.It hasn’t been easy but it is worth it.The thoughts will crop up sometimes but the Holy Spirit is quick to remind me of the Scripture.
Cultivating self confidence has also come in handy.You should hear the way I say yes to something but God knows He and I will talk about how I’ll do it.Yes because I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. A mental overhaul isn’t an easy process. Be patient(best trait I’ve learnt so far)with yourself and when you fall get up.
I have also learnt to choose what goes onto my head via my ears which has helped to care less about negative statements made.By the way prepare for naysayers cos they’ll have a special sitting every time you take up a challenge.
Love for yourself
3.Socially:Building Relationships and My Space
I realized I am an introvert of some sort who socializes like an extrovert.I tend to crave my own company no talking,no hanging out just me,my books and I.Everyone wants a friend who listens and gives feedback and that’s where I flop.Building a relationship with God helped me relate and reach out.Well I am not the best of friend but am learning to be present,communicate more,give,build and maintain relationships.My friends are like mirrors so I get to become better,learn and give without feeling inadequate.
4.Intellectually: Sharpening Me
I made a conscious decision to learn something new everyday.I read a lot of books,articles and posts to be an outlet of knowledge to others.Bible says to virtue add knowledge (See 2 Peter 1:5-8).
I also make a point of listening to others(coz I talk a lot)to learn new things from them. Shedding that pride has really gone a long way to show me that I haven’t arrived at my destination but I’ll get there.
Tell you what,Satan had maximised on my inadequacy but today I can stand boldly and face the fact that I am not perfect.God placed me here to live with others to sharpen one another (Prov 27:17) but not to get angry,jelous or intimidated.
Blessings to you,
Wambui Muriuki.
Wambui Muriuki 